SAT Scores are supposed to be a secret, but I’m pretty sure I had the highest SAT’s in world the morning I took them. Just like any high, they came down eventually, but for a few glorious hours, they were sky high…
One Friday night I heard there was a rave. I had become obsessed with going to raves any weekend I could get the money. They were usually about $10 – $15 to get in, but I needed money for party favors too. At this point I had decided that meth was the devil. I only liked what I considered “natural” drugs. Pot and mushrooms were all I was sticking with. Somehow I had convinced myself that as long as I stayed away from “chemical highs” I wasn’t really “on drugs.” I was just taking in what the earth provided to us all naturally. I mean, if God didn’t want us to take drugs, then why would he allow these to grow?
Ok, this is not the time to point out that God also allows nightshade, poison berries, and brussel sprouts to grow as well – obviously none of which anyone was ever intended to eat. I remember watching an episode of “WifeSwap” where a refined lady from San Francisco was sent to live with survivalists in the middle of Fuckall, Nowhere. They would only eat raw – but it wasn’t really about vegetables. They would slaughter a chicken, cut it up, mix it with some celery and salt and eat it raw. I almost hurled. They wouldn’t use toothpaste – they used a mixture of butter and clay. The wife’s teeth were falling out, but that’s what they used. They refused to clean with bleach saying that if they did they were killing all the helpful germs and bacteria. The more refined (and normal) wife told them the germs and bacteria could kill someone! The response from the father was something to the effect of, “Do you really think God would put something on this earth that would hurt us?” All I could think was, “Have you ever heard of bears? Sharks? I mean, I’m not expecting them to know about staphylococcus or anything, but surely they know there are things here on this earth that can hurt them!” Of course – it’s stupid, but this belief allowed me to continue doing what I really loved and that was dropping acid and spending all night dancing like a lunatic. Oh wait – what’s that you say? Acid isn’t a “natural” drug? Ah ha! You think you got me, right? Well… Here’s some news for you Mr. Smartypants. It’s the same chemical as mushrooms – only made in a lab and dropped on paper. What’s that? It’s a totally different chemical? Uhhh… Nu uh!! Nu uh!!!! NU UH!!!!!!!
Ok, yes it is… But not when I was 18. It was totally the same thing. I made sure to really get into my brain that it was just a… a…. synthesized natural drug. Ha ha! I know – well… Shut up.
So I hit the party and found someone with a couple hits of dose and they were down like town. I danced – oh BOY did I dance! For about 4 hours, and at about 4:00 am I took off and decided to see if my buddy Rob was up. He was a speedfreak like I had started out – but I was totally above that now. I didn’t do that – that makes people junkies. But he was still my friend, so I went over. His lights were on and he was up. He was tweaked and I was tripped, but I walked in and we started chatting up a storm. He’s talking about how dirty his place was and all his plans to start cleaning, I was talking about the faces that were singing to me from his textured celling and we just started laughing and having the best morning.
For some reason, my parents didn’t trust me – so I wasn’t supposed to have the car out past 11 pm… But they went to bed at 10:00! So I knew they wouldn’t know as long as I was home by 6, and that gave me about… let’s see? An hour? Or… Uh… fuck.. fuck.. FUCK! It’s 6:30! OH NO! Ok, if I hurry, maybe they slept it – it is the weekend, right? I’ll just hurry up and hopefully they will… uh.. will… Ummmm no… no no no no no… NO! NOOOO!!! OMG! I have my SAT’s at 8:30!!! I am totally fucked up and that means I’m totally fucked. I’m going to be late – walk in past my parents high, they will try and talk to me, I’ll mumble something that will make sense to me at the time, but will never make sense to them and then I have to go take my SAT’s??? I’m so screwed!!!! I told Rob what was going on and he looked like he was going to shit a brick for me. He dug into his pocket and pulled out a small pebble wrapped in a cigarette cellophane. “Red Rocket Fuel.” “Um.. Thanks? This is just a fill in the bubble thing – I don’t have to build rockets or fly them or anything.” He laughed at me. “NO! Dumbass! It’s crank, made with rocket fuel – you’ll be up for as long as you need to be.” Slowly… Uh slowly? My brain started to process. “Oh… OH! Oh, so I take this and I can make it through my tests! I’m sure I’ll be coming down off of Cyd’s trip here anyhoo! But I don’t take this stuff…” He laughed, “If you don’t want it, I’ll take it back.” “No no no no… ok, I’ll do it.” Yeah, back then you had to REALLY twist my arm… I hopped in the car and raced home praying nobody was up yet. I pulled in and just as I did I saw the kitchen light go on. Crap… I’m screwed. Then I had a brilliant plan! Because I’m totally brilliant when I’m high. I will just lay my seat back – my dad will be out to get the paper and he’ll see me in the driveway, sitting in the car… uh… napping? Yeah! I’ll just tell him I got home late and was listening to a song on the radio and must have fallen asleep. For whatever reason, it sounded like a totally believable idea. Now here’s where I tell you he came out as planned, knocked on my window, I pretended to be woken up – told him my stupid story and he busted the truth out of me, right? Wrong. Everything went exactly as planned! My dad wasn’t a moron or anything – but he kind of laughed and we walked inside. I was sure he bought it. I’m not so sure anymore – I don’t know whether it is that denial that they spoke of on “American Beauty,” or if it was just him feeling like he couldn’t prove me wrong so decided to just give me some leeway or what it was – but he let it go. My completely crappy actions and manor of speech seemed to be written off as, well? I had just been woken up from a totally crappy nights sleep in the car, right? I ran upstairs and changed – now it was time. Time to do the thing I had sworn off. Because I was totally better than those stupid meth-heads! But this was an emergency. This was the axe sitting behind the glass, and what better time to bust that glass than now? I pulled the small rock out of my pack of smokes and went and sat at the desk in my room. I took out my library card and decided to just start chopping. Now, a more experienced guy would have put the card over the top of the rock, and pressed down to crush it. I had only been given powder before, this was the first time I had been given speed in a solid. I put the edge of the card on the rock and chopped down. “FUCK!” Oh no!! What an idiot! The rock split and the larger half went shooting across the room. My heart sank. I just lost half my rocket fuel! A little red rock sitting somewhere in red carpet. I only had a tiny half left. I mashed it up and snorted it. About 15 min later I realized that if I had actually taken the whole thing I would have landed on the moon. It was harsh, and it was strong. I was going a billion miles an hour. Ok! Well – now time to go take my test to show I could go to college! Off I went. I think my school was about a 5 min drive from my house and I think I smoked about 74 cigarettes on the way. I was up. WAY up. I went in, and sat down shakily. My hands felt like they had a thick film on them. I could smell meth and I was sure everyone else could smell it to. Again – I know – it’s amazing that I could smell the meth that I had… put… directly.. UP MY NOSE – but I was shocked I could still smell it. I felt it was oozing out of my every pore. And the acid! It was coming out on my eyelids. When I touched my eyelids, they were moist and then my eyes would start burning. I was pushing the acid back into my eyes! But hey, I wasn’t wasting anything – PLUS I was recycling! My eyes burned and my nose was filled with the chemically thick smell of battery acid and dirty dishwater. I only have a slight memory of getting my testing booklet and starting testing. I remember I got caught up watching the bubbles I was supposed to be filling out kind of moving in and out of one another. Still, I worked quickly through each question. Were they kidding? This was simple! Plus, I was now using both sides of my brain, reaching the highest heights of intelligence known to man.
I remember someone asked me once what was going on in the brain to make you “see stuff,” when on acid. While I was totally tripped out, I explained that one half of your brain was the creative side, the other logical – but you could really only think primarily with one side at a time. However, acid crosses your left side synapses to your right side, and your right side synapses to your left side. In doing this, you are thinking equally with both sides of your brain at the same time and thus, you are seeing everything for real for the first time. He was totally blown away and said, “Woah dude! That is AWESOME!” At that point I for some reason decided it sounded too smart to be wrong, so it must be right. I spouted that explanation to everyone that would listen and even believed I knew what I was talking about myself. So at this point in my testing I was sure I was being teased with this little nothing of a test. They can’t test the smartest guy in the world! I don’t think I’m ALWAYS a genius, but it’s probably unfair that I’m able to see this test for what it is – because I’m seeing it with the power of both sides of my brain. You know what? I’ll probably take this test and the government will come to my house in big black cars, and sweep me away. I’ll be led to a huge apartment where they will ask me to come work for them. I mean, since they had never seen someone of this intelligence before, I would be able to help them solve all kinds of problems. I’d explain that I needed acid to be that smart, they would bring me a truckload of my own private stash – they would give me whatever I wanted as long as they could provide me with problems and I’d provide the solutions. Of course these would be top secret things, so I’d never be able to see the light of day again – but they would give me a comfortable apartment 1000 ft underground with anything I could ever ask for. They would tell me what was going on and I would geniusly solve everything. I’d never see my family again, but I’d be solving the worlds greatest problems. This test was the key to me being the greatest man who ever lived. But of course, nobody would ever know it was me. I’d be the brain behind the whole government! I’d never be in the history books, because people couldn’t really know – but I’d be the secret talked about only in the Oval Office. I’d be the weapon every country was after – wondering how many super-computers it took to crack their code, or anticipate their moves. No one would ever know it was just little genius me.
I kept glancing at questions and the answers just came to me. I barely had to concentrate, and I just “knew” the answers. I filled out bubbles faster and faster, and before I knew it, I was done.
I handed in my test with such confidence. I mean – I aced it! It was a joke! I went home and tried to sleep, but that tiny rock was still rocketing through me. About 3:00 am I finally crashed and slept until about 3:00 the next afternoon. I woke up a little confused. Did I take my test? OMG I did. I didn’t remember one thing on that test. Did I take that thinking I was a super genius? I spent most of the time filling out moving bubbles and just trying to stay inside the lines!
Eventually I got my test results back… It showed me as just slightly above average for everything but math – in which I was slightly below average (just as most every other test in the history of myself has shown). Honestly, I was surprised I did that well. I realized that the black Lincolns would not be pulling up any time soon. But you know what? It wasn’t because I wasn’t a super genius! It was because I had numbed my genius with that stupid meth… If I had just dropped about 20 min before I took the test and never had any meth I would for SURE have had the government wanting all of my intellect. Rob sure fucked that up for me… Why is it, every time I’m at the precipice of greatness someone comes and tempts me and fucks everything up. It wasn’t Rob’s fault exactly – he was just trying to help – but in this attempt to help I’m sure it was him that screwed up this chance for me. Crap… Maybe I’ll sign up for the test the next year and then I’ll be smart enough to ONLY take acid, and not get caught up in that stupid CHEMICAL high again… Only synthetically made natural drugs for me!