7

So Close, Yet…

Posted by jeresk on October 11, 2012 in It's Everybody's Fault I'm Fat |

So here it is…  I am SO close!  As I’ve said before, I’m nearing my 50 lb mark, but my body seems to be teasing me – I’ll hit 49 lbs lost and then rebound a bit, then drop back to 49 lbs lost…  UGH!

Now, first I’m well aware that the difference between 49 lbs and 50 lbs is still only one lbs.  I wasn’t frustrated between 47 and 48 lbs, or even 20 and 19 lbs…  Each lb is an achievement!  But I will admit, for 3 weeks playing near the number 50 has been driving me mad!

But the real update is – first, I’m down 49 lbs!  How cool is that?  And second?  I ran out of clean clothes and started digging through the hubby’s clothes.  Now when I started this diet I was starting to feel most of my XXL shirts were starting to hit their max load.  Mikey wears size L.  I realized that the XXL shirts were looking a little big, and even the XL’s were feeling more lose, but there is no way I’d look ok in a Large.  However, it’s getting a little colder so I was going to be wearing a zip-up hoodie the whole day!  So even if it didn’t fit perfect at least it was clean.  I found a shirt and slipped it on.  Uhhhh, Oh, this must have been one of his older XL’s because it fit ok!  I took it back off and checked.  It’s a large!  Nothing special – just a regular Old Navy large.  I can’t remember the last time I wore a large shirt!  I wore it for 3 days just because I was so happy and didn’t want to take it off.  Ok, gross – whatever – I do what I do.

John Kiefer had said that a lot of the weight loss you get from other diets, especially quicker acting diets – is from lost muscle.  The secret to this diet is that the carb load keeps your body from burning muscle.  I’ve done lots of diets, and one took me lower than where I am now – HCG I was at 268 as my all time low.  But even then I couldn’t wear a large!  So I really do believe what Kiefer says – I think this is focusing on fat loss, rather than just “weight loss.”  Now, give me a choice of dropping 49 lbs and 1 lb of muscle and hitting the 50 lb mark, or it taking 3 months to lose that additional lb KNOWING that it is 50 lbs of fat, and I’ll just wait thank you!

0

The “Highest” SAT’s In The World

Posted by jeresk on October 4, 2012 in It's Everybody's Fault I'm A Drug Addict |

SAT Scores are supposed to be a secret, but I’m pretty sure I had the highest SAT’s in world the morning I took them.  Just like any high, they came down eventually, but for a few glorious hours, they were sky high…

One Friday night I heard there was a rave.  I had become obsessed with going to raves any weekend I could get the money.  They were usually about $10 – $15 to get in, but I needed money for party favors too.  At this point I had decided that meth was the devil.  I only liked what I considered “natural” drugs.  Pot and mushrooms were all I was sticking with.  Somehow I had convinced myself that as long as I stayed away from “chemical highs” I wasn’t really “on drugs.”  I was just taking in what the earth provided to us all naturally.  I mean, if God didn’t want us to take drugs, then why would he allow these to grow?

Ok, this is not the time to point out that God also allows nightshade, poison berries, and brussel sprouts to grow as well – obviously none of which anyone was ever intended to eat.  I remember watching an episode of “WifeSwap” where a refined lady from San Francisco was sent to live with survivalists in the middle of Fuckall, Nowhere.  They would only eat raw – but it wasn’t really about vegetables.  They would slaughter a chicken, cut it up, mix it with some celery and salt and eat it raw.  I almost hurled.  They wouldn’t use toothpaste – they used a mixture of butter and clay.  The wife’s teeth were falling out, but that’s what they used.  They refused to clean with bleach saying that if they did they were killing all the helpful germs and bacteria.  The more refined (and normal) wife told them the germs and bacteria could kill someone!  The response from the father was something to the effect of, “Do you really think God would put something on this earth that would hurt us?”  All I could think was, “Have you ever heard of bears?  Sharks?  I mean, I’m not expecting them to know about staphylococcus or anything, but surely they know there are things here on this earth that can hurt them!”  Of course – it’s stupid, but this belief allowed me to continue doing what I really loved and that was dropping acid and spending all night dancing like a lunatic.  Oh wait – what’s that you say?  Acid isn’t a “natural” drug?  Ah ha!  You think you got me, right?  Well…  Here’s some news for you Mr. Smartypants.  It’s the same chemical as mushrooms – only made in a lab and dropped on paper.  What’s that?  It’s a totally different chemical?  Uhhh…  Nu uh!!  Nu uh!!!!  NU UH!!!!!!!

Ok, yes it is…  But not when I was 18.  It was totally the same thing.  I made sure to really get into my brain that it was just a…  a….  synthesized natural drug.  Ha ha!  I know – well…  Shut up.

So I hit the party and found someone with a couple hits of dose and they were down like town.  I danced – oh BOY did I dance!  For about 4 hours, and at about 4:00 am I took off and decided to see if my buddy Rob was up.  He was a speedfreak like I had started out – but I was totally above that now.  I didn’t do that – that makes people junkies.  But he was still my friend, so I went over.  His lights were on and he was up.  He was tweaked and I was tripped, but I walked in and we started chatting up a storm.  He’s talking about how dirty his place was and all his plans to start cleaning, I was talking about the faces that were singing to me from his textured celling and we just started laughing and having the best morning.

For some reason, my parents didn’t trust me – so I wasn’t supposed to have the car out past 11 pm…  But they went to bed at 10:00!  So I knew they wouldn’t know as long as I was home by 6, and that gave me about…  let’s see?  An hour?  Or…  Uh… fuck.. fuck.. FUCK!  It’s 6:30!  OH NO!  Ok, if I hurry, maybe they slept it – it is the weekend, right?  I’ll just hurry up and hopefully they will… uh..  will…  Ummmm  no…  no no no no no…  NO!  NOOOO!!!  OMG!  I have my SAT’s at 8:30!!!  I am totally fucked up and that means I’m totally fucked.  I’m going to be late – walk in past my parents high, they will try and talk to me, I’ll mumble something that will make sense to me at the time, but will never make sense to them and then I have to go take my SAT’s???  I’m so screwed!!!!  I told Rob what was going on and he looked like he was going to shit a brick for me.  He dug into his pocket and pulled out a small pebble wrapped in a cigarette cellophane.  “Red Rocket Fuel.”  “Um..  Thanks?  This is just a fill in the bubble thing – I don’t have to build rockets or fly them or anything.”   He laughed at me.  “NO!  Dumbass!  It’s crank, made with rocket fuel – you’ll be up for as long as you need to be.”  Slowly…  Uh slowly?  My brain started to process.  “Oh…  OH!  Oh, so I take this and I can make it through my tests!  I’m sure I’ll be coming down off of Cyd’s trip here anyhoo!  But I don’t take this stuff…”  He laughed, “If you don’t want it, I’ll  take it back.”  “No no no no… ok, I’ll do it.”  Yeah, back then you had to REALLY twist my arm…  I hopped in the car and raced home praying nobody was up yet.  I pulled in and just as I did I saw the kitchen light go on.  Crap… I’m screwed.  Then I had a brilliant plan!  Because I’m totally brilliant when I’m high.  I will just lay my seat back – my dad will be out to get the paper and he’ll see me in the driveway, sitting in the car… uh…  napping?  Yeah!  I’ll just tell him I got home late and was listening to a song on the radio and must have fallen asleep.  For whatever reason, it sounded like a totally believable idea.  Now here’s where I tell you he came out as planned, knocked on my window, I pretended to be woken up – told him my stupid story and he busted the truth out of me, right?  Wrong.  Everything went exactly as planned!  My dad wasn’t a moron or anything – but he kind of laughed and we walked inside.  I was sure he bought it.  I’m not so sure anymore – I don’t know whether it is that denial that they spoke of on “American Beauty,” or if it was just him feeling like he couldn’t prove me wrong so decided to just give me some leeway or what it was – but he let it go.  My completely crappy actions and manor of speech seemed to be written off as, well?  I had just been woken up from a totally crappy nights sleep in the car, right?  I ran upstairs and changed – now it was time.  Time to do the thing I had sworn off.  Because I was totally better than those stupid meth-heads!  But this was an emergency.  This was the axe sitting behind the glass, and what better time to bust that glass than now?  I pulled the small rock out of my pack of smokes and went and sat at the desk in my room.  I took out my library card and decided to just start chopping.  Now, a more experienced guy would have put the card over the top of the rock, and pressed down to crush it.  I had only been given powder before, this was the first time I had been given speed in a solid.  I put the edge of the card on the rock and chopped down.  “FUCK!”  Oh no!!  What an idiot!  The rock split and the larger half went shooting across the room.  My heart sank.  I just lost half my rocket fuel!  A little red rock sitting somewhere in red carpet.  I only had a tiny half left.  I mashed it up and snorted it.  About 15 min later I realized that if I had actually taken the whole thing I would have landed on the moon.  It was harsh, and it was strong.  I was going a billion miles an hour.  Ok!  Well – now time to go take my test to show I could go to college!  Off I went.  I think my school was about a 5 min drive from my house and I think I smoked about 74 cigarettes on the way.  I was up.  WAY up.  I went in, and sat down shakily.  My hands felt like they had a thick film on them.  I could smell meth and I was sure everyone else could smell it to.  Again – I know – it’s amazing that I could smell the meth that I had… put… directly.. UP MY NOSE – but I was shocked I could still smell it.  I felt it was oozing out of my every pore.  And the acid!  It was coming out on my eyelids.  When I touched my eyelids, they were moist and then my eyes would start burning.  I was pushing the acid back into my eyes!  But hey, I wasn’t wasting anything – PLUS I was recycling!  My eyes burned and my nose was filled with the chemically thick smell of battery acid and dirty dishwater.  I only have a slight memory of getting my testing booklet and starting testing.  I remember I got caught up watching the bubbles I was supposed to be filling out kind of moving in and out of one another.  Still, I worked quickly through each question.  Were they kidding?  This was simple!  Plus, I was now using both sides of my brain, reaching the highest heights of intelligence known to man.

I remember someone asked me once what was going on in the brain to make you “see stuff,” when on acid.  While I was totally tripped out, I explained that one half of your brain was the creative side, the other logical – but you could really only think primarily with one side at a time.  However, acid crosses your left side synapses to your right side, and your right side synapses to your left side.  In doing this, you are thinking equally with both sides of your brain at the same time and thus, you are seeing everything for real for the first time.  He was totally blown away and said, “Woah dude!  That is AWESOME!”  At that point I for some reason decided it sounded too smart to be wrong, so it must be right.  I spouted that explanation to everyone that would listen and even believed I knew what I was talking about myself.  So at this point in my testing I was sure I was being teased with this little nothing of a test.  They can’t test the smartest guy in the world!  I don’t think I’m ALWAYS a genius, but it’s probably unfair that I’m able to see this test for what it is – because I’m seeing it with the power of both sides of my brain.  You know what?  I’ll probably take this test and the government will come to my house in big black cars, and sweep me away.  I’ll be led to a huge apartment where they will ask me to come work for them.  I mean, since they had never seen someone of this intelligence before, I would be able to help them solve all kinds of problems.  I’d explain that I needed acid to be that smart, they would bring me a truckload of my own private stash – they would give me whatever I wanted as long as they could provide me with problems and I’d provide the solutions.  Of course these would be top secret things, so I’d never be able to see the light of day again – but they would give me a comfortable apartment 1000 ft underground with anything I could ever ask for.  They would tell me what was going on and I would geniusly solve everything.  I’d never see my family again, but I’d be solving the worlds greatest problems.  This test was the key to me being the greatest man who ever lived.  But of course, nobody would ever know it was me.  I’d be the brain behind the whole government!  I’d never be in the history books, because people couldn’t really know – but I’d be the secret talked about only in the Oval Office.  I’d be the weapon every country was after – wondering how many super-computers it took to crack their code, or anticipate their moves.  No one would ever know it was just little genius me.

I kept glancing at questions and the answers just came to me.  I barely had to concentrate, and I just “knew” the answers.  I filled out bubbles faster and faster, and before I knew it, I was done.

I handed in my test with such confidence.  I mean – I aced it!  It was a joke!  I went home and tried to sleep, but that tiny rock was still rocketing through me.  About 3:00 am I finally crashed and slept until about 3:00 the next afternoon.  I woke up a little confused.  Did I take my test?  OMG I did.  I didn’t remember one thing on that test.  Did I take that thinking I was a super genius?  I spent most of the time filling out moving bubbles and just trying to stay inside the lines!

Eventually I got my test results back…  It showed me as just slightly above average for everything but math – in which I was slightly below average (just as most every other test in the history of myself has shown).  Honestly, I was surprised I did that well.  I realized that the black Lincolns would not be pulling up any time soon.  But you know what?  It wasn’t because I wasn’t a super genius!  It was because I had numbed my genius with that stupid meth…  If I had just dropped about 20 min before I took the test and never had any meth I would for SURE have had the government wanting all of my intellect.  Rob sure fucked that up for me…  Why is it, every time I’m at the precipice of greatness someone comes and tempts me and fucks everything up.  It wasn’t Rob’s fault exactly – he was just trying to help – but in this attempt to help I’m sure it was him that screwed up this chance for me.  Crap…  Maybe I’ll sign up for the test the next year and then I’ll be smart enough to ONLY take acid, and not get caught up in that stupid CHEMICAL high again…  Only synthetically made natural drugs for me!

0

Month 4 On Carb Nite

Posted by jeresk on September 30, 2012 in It's Everybody's Fault I'm Fat |

Ok, and we continue on…  I keep wanting to update this more on a week to week basis, but I just get busy and… Yeah…  Anyway!  It’s funny, often day to day I feel like this just isn’t working – this just isn’t doing what it’s supposed to be doing.  Despite all evidence to the contrary – even with my weight moving down, I catch myself going, “Crap…  Why isn’t this working?”  I know this to be what it is – it’s a reason for me to believe that it isn’t working.  Why would I want to do that?  Because if it isn’t working then I can go back to eating whatever I want.  The thing is though? I don’t mind eating the way I eat on this diet!  It’s fine!  And as I’ve said before, it’s not as difficult to pass up things when I have a craving by saying, “Hmmm, that looks good – I guess I’ll save it for this weekend!”  Easy!  But still?  I self-sabatoge…  But especially when I look at each picture of the month side by side, I realize, I’m really happy with what is going on.

Month 4 On Carb Nite

So what’s up?  It’s not really any different than my other stories – it’s a good reason to fail.  If I fail, then I can blame others.  If I can blame others then I have no problems.  If I have no real problems then everything that happens is everyone else’s fault, and so the cycle runs.

 

I think the big thing is I see so many people that have been on this for 3 or 4 months and now they look “perfect,” (whatever that means).  I finish 4 months and I’ve still got a long way to go.  But guess what?  A lot of those people started out with like 20 lbs to lose.  I have at least 100 lbs to lose!  But here is the good news – I had a small goal that came up about 2 months ago – “What if I could lose 50 lbs by the end of September?”  Well guess what!!???  I didn’t…  BUT I came close!  48 lbs down!  I was only 2 lbs shy of that goal, and he 50 lbs will come when it comes.  I have a tendency to see only what I didn’t do, rather than what I did.  I… Lost…  almost 50 fucking lbs in 4 months!!!  Could I really ask for that much more?

09/01/2012283.6
09/02/2012283.0
09/03/2012281.8
09/04/2012287.2(After Carb Nite)
09/05/2012286.0
09/06/2012284.2
09/07/2012282.4
09/08/2012283.2
09/09/2012281.8
09/10/2012280.8
09/11/2012287.4(After Carb Nite)
09/12/2012284.8
09/13/2012281.7
09/14/2012280.8
09/15/2012277.8
09/16/2012278.8
09/17/2012282.0(After Carb Nite)
09/18/2012281.2
09/19/2012278.6
09/20/3012279.0
09/21/2012278.6
09/22/2012275.6
09/23/2012282.4(After Carb Nite)
09/24/2012282.6
09/25/2012280.8
09/26/2012277.2
09/27/2012274.6
09/28/2012274.2
09/29/2012272.8
09/30/2012272.2

 

11.4 lbs lost this month – 47.8 lbs lost total!  2.2 lbs to my mini-goal.  4.2 lbs to hit my 10 year low.  268 was the lowest I ever got on HCG.  Once I pass this, I’ll be the lightest I’ve been since that mess about 4 years ago.

3

Month 3 On Carb Nite

Posted by jeresk on August 31, 2012 in It's Everybody's Fault I'm Fat |

Ok, so it’s now been 3 months…  Things seem to be moving slow…  But they ARE moving and moving in the right direction (unlike half the other diets I’ve done).  Yes, things moved faster on Atkin’s but I really am feeling like it’s the right weight that is being lost…  No lost muscle – I don’t have any real proof, but here’s the thing…  In the past I’ve done super diets where the scale moves so quickly (HCG and Atkins) but nobody says anything like “Wow!  Are you losing weight?” until I’m down about 40 or 50 lbs…  And by the way?  Saying something like “Are you losing weight,” actually says, “Huh…  You’re still pretty fat, but maybe not quite as fat as I remember.”  If you are ASKING “Are you losing weight,” it means you still can’t really tell so you have to ask.  Unless someone has a problem with anorexia, nobody is going to take offense to you just saying, “Hey!  You must have lost some weight!  You look great!”  If they have NOT lost any weight, it’s still a complement!  But I digress…

The point is, no matter what I have done, around the 40 or 50 lb mark people will say, “Are you losing weight?”  This time as I dropped to about the 20 lb mark people came up and said, “OMG!  What are you doing?  You are melting away!”  It didn’t always show on the scale, but people could tell.

Third Month

Am I tiny?  No.  Am I the envy of all on the runway?  No.  Have I “made it?”  No…  I still have a long way to go.  But I believe deeply that since fat weight seems to take up the most room if I’ve lost 20 lbs of fat and people seem to notice more than when I lost 40 lbs of who-knows-what, then this is the diet I wish I knew about years ago.

My clothes fit much better, I’m not craving things much – of course I am a little, but I keep seeing things and instead of just LUSTING after it day after day, I just put it on my “carb nite” list.  Often I never even get to that on carb nite, but just the ability to put it on my list makes me not feel like I’m about to go nuts.

My cousin’s child is autistic.  My mom took them shopping one day and the kid came up with a toy and said, “WANT THIS!”  And my cousin looked at her son and said, “Ok!  But you know what?  This is not a “today” toy.  Do you want me to put it on the list?”  He nodded and put it back.  My mom asked what “the list” was.  My cousin explained that she found out saying “no” would cause some of the worst tantrums you could ever see.  Most children would not understand “Mommy can’t afford this today,” anyway, but when you mix in Autism, it’s terrifying.  I thought this was a brilliant method of control.  He can’t really wrap his head around “no” and be ok – but he can understand “Yes!  But we’ll have to add this one to the list.”  She said the list has to have at least $10,000,000 worth of toys on it that he will never have.  He probably won’t even remember most of them 10 min later (not because he’s autistic, but again – this is most kids.  Something else will grab their attention).  Carb nite is my version of “the list.”

08/01/2012294.4
08/02/2012294.4
08/03/2012293.6
08/04/2012292.2
08/05/2012298.8(After Carb Nite)
08/06/2012296.4
08/07/2012292.2
08/08/2012292.8
08/09/2012294.2
08/10/2012 293.4
08/11/2012289.4
08/12/2012290.0
08/13/2012294.6(After Carb Nite)
08/14/2012292.4
08/15/2012290.6
08/16/2012292.0
08/17/2012289.8
08/18/2012288.8
08/19/2012288.4
08/20/3012294.6(After Carb Nite)
08/21/2012294.4
08/22/2012291.2
08/23/2012290.8
08/24/2012288.4
08/25/2012287.0
08/26/2012285.2
08/27/2012286.0
08/28/2012293.4(After Carb Nite)
08/29/2012289.6
08/30/2012289.0
08/31/2012287.4

 

So my number totals is 6.6 lbs lost for the month.  32.6 lbs lost total!  3 months, 32 lbs.  Still going strong!

1

Month 2 On Carb Nite

Posted by jeresk on August 1, 2012 in It's Everybody's Fault I'm Fat |

Ok!  So still going strong – I had a trip to Washington DC (hence the gap in dates from the last month when you check the weight chart at the bottom…).

Aside from having 2 carb nites in a row when I went to a couple of banquets where I didn’t get the option of choosing what to eat – I did well on vacation!  I know, I could have been better, but I’m not going to kick myself for 2 carb nites, when I was essentially living “carb life” prior to this diet.  I don’t remember a time when I went on vacation and came back lighter!!!!

Second Month

Now…  When I look at this, I don’t see a ton of difference, but my family seems to be noticing!  I have started having friends say things like, “Oh wow!  What diet are you doing?”  I started working out – I found an app called “7 Weeks To Ripped.”  Ok, ok, you can stop laughing now!  Seriously!  Shut up!  I know I will not be “ripped” in 7 weeks.  In fact, the app requires you to be able to do a few pull ups, which I can’t do.  So I have a “Perfect Pull-Up” setup that I installed, which can swing down so you can do the Australian Pull Up – which is supposed to help build up to doing a full pull up.

What I really liked about the app was there is no equipment or machines to concentrate on.  It’s all based on body weight – essentially push-ups, sit-ups, squats, etc.  I’m no good coming up with my own plan, I need something that can grow with me.  It has a 3 week “prep” plan for those who can’t meet the standards to be able to start the 7 week program.  But my question is, what happens after 3 weeks?  I’m 300 lbs, and haven’t done a pull-up since I was in 6th grade.  So do I start back at the first?  It starts easier, so getting to week 3 and then going back to do something easier doesn’t sound like the best plan.

They have a site with a chatboard so I posted and we’ll see what people suggest…

Here is my weight chart for this last month (minus my week in Washington D.C.):

07/06/2012299.0
07/07/2012297.0
07/08/2012298.0
07/09/2012307.2

(After Carb Nite)

07/10/2012304.4
07/11/2012301.8
07/12/2012299.6
07/13/2012298.6
07/14/2012300.0
07/15/2012303.4

(After Carb Nite)

07/16/2012303.0
07/17/2012301.0
07/18/2012300.2
07/19/2012297.8
07/20/2012296.6
07/21/2012299.8

(After Carb Nite)

07/22/2012302.6
07/23/2012302.6
07/24/2012300.8
07/25/3012297.4
07/26/2012302.4

(After Carb Nite)

07/27/2012299.4
07/28/2012296.8
07/29/2012296.2
07/30/2012295.4
07/31/2012293.6

 

So…  After all is said and done, I am down 8.2 lbs this month, for a total of 26.6 lbs! What I can’t seem to find is what people are normally averaging.

John Kiefer keeps saying the mirror lies and the scale lies, and to focus more on how clothes fit and how you feel.  I feel great, the clothes are a bit more loose, but I think I’m seeing some frustration because I’m on my way down, and then have to do a carb nite which shoots my weight back up.  It’s like one step forward, 6 lbs back…  But at the end of each week I’m generally lower than I was at the start of the week, so I know it’s working!  I just wish I could find some averages of what to expect…

0

Austin – Not just a place in Texas Anymore…

Posted by jeresk on July 14, 2012 in It's Everybody's Fault I'm A Drug Addict |

My mother started her life in Austin TX.  My rebellious life started with the same namesake. While my beginning with drugs started when I was in High School, there was another gateway that started much earlier….  I never had the gateway drug of pot – my gateway really started with smoking – just regular cigarette smoking.

My best friend in 5th and 6th grade was Austin.  Austin was a “bad boy.”  He would get kicked out of class, yell at teachers, talk back to his grandma (whom he lived with at the time because his parents couldn’t handle him).  I thought he was so cool!  Austin was thin with kid muscles already showing.  He liked to do push-ups and lift weights.  He had straight jet-black hair that would fall into his eyes while he was talking, and he would blow it back or sweep it back with an oh-so-cool hand gesture.  He dared to do anything.

I didn’t dare to even look at adults wrong.  I think mainly because I’d never really been mistreated by them; I had great respect…  And fear…

I never really got in trouble as a kid.  I mean, I had small run-in’s like everyone.  Got scolded for a small lie, came home late, or missed a homework assignment, but I was never in real trouble.  I never remember being grounded.  My connection with Austin wasn’t because I felt like we were kindred spirits – it was because I thought he was exciting.  Austin also introduced me to smoking when I was about 10 or 11.  Of course, I didn’t really smoke.  He would give me one and I would puff on it and feel like behind closed doors, I was a rebel too.

If an adult had caught Austin smoking, I’m sure he would have told them right where the bear shits in the woods.  I was still at a point where if I had been caught I would have ended up a pool of blubbering mess.  In my head I dreamed being like Austin, but all I could really do was follow him around.  He wanted to play army – it sounded fun so I held out my index finger straight, with my thumb up in a gun-like form and started going “Pew!  Pew!”  He laughed and said that isn’t what he meant…  He said we were going to go on a mission.

We wandered up by the school and he had a backpack with a couple of flashlights, and some rope, and a knife.  He pried the lid of a grate in the sidewalk up and moved it to the side.  He lowered himself down in the hole and said “Our mission is to get to the other side of the street.  There are bombs on the ground so we have to go under.”  I kept looking around sure that someone was going to come running up and yell at us.  But I was in the army now.  I needed to put these childish fears away.  He went down and pushed his backpack in front of him through a drainage tube.  He had given me a flashlight so I went down after him.  He was about half way under the street and my body was ringing with fear and excitement!  I wedged myself down so I could army-crawl through the tube after him.  I moved through with calculated precision, altering knee to elbow like a pro.  I was smooth.  I was important.  Our mission was important.  We had to get to the other side and this was the only way.  I was so lucky to have such a friend!  A brother-in-arms.  We had important work to do.  I was about half way under the street when my knees came up faster than my arms had moved.  OH FUCK!  I was stuck.  I was jammed up – I couldn’t moved.  I couldn’t get my knees back out.  I couldn’t get my arms to go forward.  I was frozen.  I kept trying to lift the street up with my back.  I couldn’t breathe.  I tried to squeeze myself up, back, forward, anywhere and nothing was happening.  I started screaming.  I’m not in the army, I’m just a little kid.  I’m stuck in this pipe and I’ll be here forever!  I’m going to die.  Die in this pipe.  Oh my God, how did this happy.  I don’t want to play anymore!  I started crying and screaming.  They were going to have to dig up the street to get me out.  Could they even do that?  How long would that take?  Days?  Weeks?  Would the cost have to come out of my allowance?  How many weeks would it take to pay them back.  My mom was going to be furious I was doing something so stupid!  But it won’t matter because I can’t breathe.  I started sucking in air at rapid rates – I only remember breathing in – I can’t remember breathing out.  How much air is in this pipe?  Could it run out?  All of a sudden my knees un-wedged just a little behind me and like a mad man I started reversing my way out.  It felt like hours, but I didn’t care as long as I was moving.  I got to where I had lowered myself and pushed back up through the sidewalk and stared taking huge, deep, deliberate breaths…  I was sure Austin was going to realize how uncool I was and stop wanting me to go do things with him, but he reversed back out too and said, “You know what?  I think the pipe gets smaller as it moves, so neither of us could have gone.  That was kind of scare huh?”  He put his hand on my knee.  He  didn’t tell me it was ok that I had cried, or anything like that.  He just said we should go do something else.  He pretended like nothing had happened.  I loved him for that.  He could have laughed at me.  He could have found someone else more brave than I to go do things with.  But he didn’t – he decided we should go play sword-fight.

I loved him.  No – this wasn’t a first crush or anything like that.  I didn’t have any sexual feelings at this time in my life.  I just knew I loved being with him.  He made me feel important.  He defended me to other “cool kids.”  Just being anywhere around him made me a cool kid.  So when he first offered me a cigarette, I took it.  I wasn’t curious about smoking.  I thought it sucked!  My uncle smoked and I thought it smelled bad and looked crappy.  Some people have said they thought smokers always looked cool.  I didn’t.  But I didn’t care – I was entering a point in my life where I didn’t allow myself to have my own thoughts.  It was very simple math to me.  Me <= Cool.  Me + Austin => Cool.  Everything Austin did was cool.  Everything I did with Austin made me more cool!  So I took the cigarette and just puffed…  I didn’t know any better.  It’s not like I studied this crap!  Austin went back to visit his mom, brother, and step-father.  One day he told me he got stoned while he was visiting – his brother had got some pot.  He told me all the stories about how it felt.  Then he said he also tried something called crystal.  This is where I tell you that I kind of lied before…  I told you I’d never heard about meth, which is mostly true.  I remember he said he did crystal but that didn’t mean anything to me.  I kept picturing him holding big Fortress of Solitude memory crystals and running around crazy.  When meth was introduced to me it was “crank.” I didn’t know it was essentially the same stuff – just different purity levels.  I didn’t really ask about the crystal – I asked about the pot.  I wanted to know what it was all about.  This was something I had heard in school – and as far as I knew if you smoked pot you go crazy and think you can fly and would jump off a building.

He laughed – he said he just felt really, really relaxed.  I told him I wanted to try it.  I really didn’t, but I felt like this would be our new “mission.”  We never did smoke pot together, but my interest was a little piqued about the experience.  Not really for me – but so that I wouldn’t be surpassed by Austin.  I already felt like I was surpassed by him and I didn’t want to have to fall too far behind.

While I was not in love with Austin, not in a romantic way where I hoped we would have sex and get married and adopt a child and live happily ever after – this did however shape so much of my later life.  For as long as I didn’t know who I was, I was ready to start following anyone who even appeared to know who they were.  I wanted someone who could lead me on missions and I would see the world with their back always firmly in view.  See, as long as someone else knew who they were, I didn’t have to figure out who I was, and therefore nothing I got involved with was really my fault.  It was everybody else’s…

1

Mirror Mirror…

Posted by jeresk on July 13, 2012 in It's Everybody's Fault I'm Fat |

So I have just completed my first month of The Carb Nite Solution – I’m down 22 lbs, but I lost 15 of them the first week.  It’s so weird because they say “Don’t pay attention to the scale or the mirror.”  What I did was take a picture of myself sans-shirt when I started.  Then I have taken a weekly picture so I can kind of see progress as I move through.  Sometimes it’s too easy not to notice the little changes that are made.

But here is what is bizzare to me…  The scale shows weight loss and when I look in the mirror I feel like I can see it!  So then I go back to my pictures…  I compare the first with the last and there is where I’m stunned…  Not because of the massive changes – but because… Well – I look exactly the same…

Isn’t this normally reversed?

Here is the bottom line – I’m down 22 lbs.  Again, I lost 15 during my induction – so that is kind of crazy – I measured the other 7 lbs against the number of weeks I’ve been working at this and I’ve lost about 1.75 lbs a week on average.  On Atkins I lost about 5 lbs a week on average BUT…  I also gained everything back and lost muscle…  Kiefer’s Carb Nite diet is supposed to stop this from happening – so if there is a difference of 3 lbs a week – if even .5 lbs of that difference was muscle, then that is exactly what made me fat again…

So…  I started this diet at 320, today I am 298.  I AM moving in the right direction!  Is it as fast as I’d like?  No…  Is the weight just falling off me?  Not really – but again, this is about fat loss – not weight loss. 

I have a fat measuring scale and while I know it’s not extremely accurate, I’ve gone from just over 40% of body fat to 36% body fat in 1 month… 

Not taking into account any further muscle growth (of which I do hope to gain) I will need to be at about 215 on my weight.  This means roughly, my weekly goals will be about the 2 lbs I’m losing and that should equate out to about .5% of body fat each week.  40 weeks – that’s my challenge.

I know you are only supposed to do The Carb Nite for about 6 months at a time and a month off – so my plan is to stick with this to the end of the year – then break in January and back on in February. 

So 24 of the 40 weeks will be complete the last week of December this year.  I’m a fan of breaking things down so I can always look to keep on track.  So my end of year goal will be to be between 40 and 50 lbs down from where I am at today.  That would put me at 258, which even on HCG (my 2nd most successful “fad” diet) I never hit.  I got about 10 lbs above that…  This should take me down about 12% in body fat putting me at about 24% body fat.

Keep following me on my journey and if you can help me – YAY!   If I can help you, YAY! YAY!

It maybe your fault I’m fat – but I’m going to fix it…

15

First Month on The Carb Nite

Posted by jeresk on July 4, 2012 in It's Everybody's Fault I'm Fat |

Ok!  So this is my first month on The Carb Night Solution…  It may be YOUR fault that I’m fat, but I am losing weight!

So first, a little explanation of the diet…

John Kiefer said he remembers a time when he was told he was fat and it really affected him.  I have dealt with this all my life.  The only time when I really felt good about my weight was after I had done a low carb Atkins kind of diet.  I never read the book – my mom and dad had, and gave me a little cheat sheet to help me follow it – kind of a “eat this not that” sheet.  She took me to dinner and explained the meat (so to speak) of the diet.  I lost somewhere around 80 to 90 lbs in about 3 or 4 months. I was so happy!  I stuck with the diet for about a year and a half – almost 2 years.  Then I fell off and figured there was no way I would ever let myself get that big again.  3 or 4 months after I fell off I was pretty much back up to my last weight.

Linking back to my addict life, my weight is something that I have always struggled with.  Some of my meth addiction came from the fact that I was willing to do ANYTHING to lose weight.  I would look at the frightening posters of the “skin and bones” boys that had tags like, “Got Meth?”  Or “Body by Meth.”  I actually looked at these posters and hoped that if I just concentrated on my addition hard enough I could someday look like that too.  Yeah.  I know – gross.  My desire was to be unhelthfully thin.  I think really it was just I felt I was so far on one end of the scale, I was very happy with the idea that I could someday be on the other side.

Anyway…  After my meth life, I had essentially not eaten in 7 years.  I had lost a lot of weight but I had started out so big that I actually looked kinda normal.  I went to rehab and everything I ate stuck, and stuck hard.  I rocketed up to about 300 lbs.  Now, I am about 6’2 (my friend Ryan says I’m 6’1, because he is 6’2 – but I still think I’m 6’2), so 300 lbs while heavy doesn’t look as large on me as it might sound – but it was still pretty big.

After rehab I did Atkins, as I have already said – and made it down to about 220.  When I went off, I went back up in just a few months back to 300 – then to 310…  I decided to try Atkins again – I lost 10 lbs and stalled out for 3 weeks and gave up.  3 weeks and not 1 lb down!  So yeah, I let it go…  Then I went back up to 310 – then 320…  Then I tried South Beach with my husband Mike.  Nothing happened.  And I hated the food…  Then we tried low carb again – again, I lost 10 lbs and then no more.  It was like my body said, “Oh HELL no!  You did this to me once, and I let it slide…  But you don’t get to do this to me again…”

A few years ago I heard about HCG, so I got a doctor and did that protocol.  I was 332 lbs.  My heaviest ever…  In about 60 days I was down to 280 – 52 lbs lost!  I took my break off, and then went on another 60 day set and got down to 268 – that’s the lowest I’ve been since I met Mike.  They assured me that this protocol would reset my metabolism and I could never gain the weight back.  I didn’t go crazy – and I followed the diet to the letter.  I went back to exactly 332 about 2 months later.  I tried it again (because I learn so well, right?) and lost a little weight, went off and went right back up.

Last year Mike started having gallbladder issues, and we had to go ultra low-fat.  In doing that for over a year, I went back to about 284 (that was my low on low-fat).  Then I tried to quit smoking and went back up to 320 lbs exactly – in 2 months.  My body moves quick – loss can come quick, but gain happens even faster!!!

So enter – The Carb Nite Solution.  Kiefer says he got called fat – again, it’s what I’ve dealt with all my life.  He went on low carb but found many of the same problems I did – part of it is you are not just losing fat – you are losing muscle.  Yes, the number on the scale is moving down quickly, but you don’t really know what you are losing.

So as a physicist, he writes a book explaining what he learned by sifting through over 20,000 studies, and what he knows about chemical reactions that are happening in your body – so essentially, the scientific perspective.

Now, Atkins sounded like he knew what he was talking about.  South Beach sounded like they knew as well – so did every other book that I ever read about diets.  They all SOUND good, because I AM NOT A SCIENTIST!!!  So when an author says, “blah blah, the molecules of your blah blah react to the (insert something sciencey here) but with OUR diet, you can force your body to blah blah in a way it never has, and this is what causes you (or stops you) from losing weight.”  Well, hell!  It sounds good!  I can follow what they are saying, but I have no idea if they have their heads up their asses, or just came up with a really good list of words to put their hands in my wallet.

This of course could be the same with Kiefer, but I have to believe in his diet – because it IS working…

First Month

So…  I started CNS (Carb Nite Solution)…  Again, this is working for me.  For all I know I will lose weight, look great and go up to 350 lbs. in the next few years.

But here is the theory – Atkins had some things right, and a lot of things wrong – and the low-carb diet started long before he wrote anything about it, but he was a better marketer.

One of the biggest problems is – your body starts burning muscle when it’s out of carbs.  So the bottom line is, you have to replenish your carbs!  You don’t just “get” a carb nite – you HAVE TO HAVE IT!

You begin the diet, eating ultra low carb – under 30 carbs a day.  You eat this way for 9 and a half days.  Think, meat, cheese, and eggs (there is more, but not much more).

On the night of the 10th day, you have a carb night – you load up on carbs for 6 – 8 hours in the evening.  You can have most everything you have been craving.

After that you immediately go back to ultra low carb… but once a week you have another carb nite.

You just keep going like that for no more than 6 months.  After 6 months you have to take a month or two off.  Now some people may start this and be done only a few months later – maybe even weeks!  But for those of us who have a longer way to go, it’s 6 months and then you break…

The idea is, you are kind of shocking your system once a week with carbs!  It also keeps your body from using muscle for fuel.  Plus, you are eating all this protein – protein builds muscle, so if you are eating all this protein, don’t waste it – lift weights!  You gain muscle, lose fat, and the muscle helps you from re-gaining your weight!

Again, it all makes sense, and it’s so easy to stay on – I hope this is the answer to get me the body I want and am willing to work for.  I haven’t really done much with working out yet – but I’ve always enjoyed working out!  So there it is – the general rules of the diet (the book is more specific, but you get the idea) and my results on the first month.

My first 10 days I lost 15 lbs.  After that I have lost about lb a week, so here is my weight chart so far:

06/04/2012320.2
06/05/2012316.4
06/06/2012312.0
06/08/2012310.0
06/09/2012308.2
06/10/2012306.3
06/11/2012307.1
06/12/2012308.0
06/13/2012308.0
06/14/2012312.2

(After Carb Nite)

06/15/2012310.4
06/16/2012308.0
06/17/2012305.4
06/18/2012305.4
06/19/2012310.2

(After Carb Nite)

06/20/2012307.4
06/21/2012308.2
06/22/2012305.2
06/23/2012303.2
06/24/2012302.2
06/25/2012306.2

(After Carb Nite)

06/26/2012305.2
06/27/2012305.0
06/28/2012303.0
06/29/2012301.8

 

First 4 weeks on the diet is 18.4 lbs down!  So I am on this!  And I’m now bugging all my friends to get on it that are trying to lose weight…  Kiefer should pay me to sell this 😛

0

Fad Diets Suck – So Here Goes Another

Posted by jeresk on June 1, 2012 in It's Everybody's Fault I'm Fat |

Ok, so here is the deal…  I’ve tried so many fad diets…  Some I actually went on – some I just read about and ditched because I could either see through them or decided it just wasn’t something I could stick to…

I have always been chunky – but now I’m just fat…  I thought I was SO fat in High School!!!  But I really wasn’t – I was chunky.  Remember that Baz Luhrmann song song Everybody’s Free To Wear Sunscreen? (awesome song) – in there he has a little statement that says “you are not as fat as you think you are…”  And I wasn’t!!!!  But I am now, so… Crap…  I saw this picture of me in High School and said, “Holy Crap!  I was HOT!  I would have totally had sex with myself!!!”  Well, I kinda said that – but it was dirtier…  But it’s true!  I had REALLY bad hair, but it was the 90’s – But what I wasn’t, was fat.

But I was sure I was and I stole diet pills from the local grocery store starting about 14…  I was so worried about my weight and not sure at all of how to take it off.  I ran about a mile a day, I would do push-ups, but I didn’t really know anything about working out so I just did whatever made me tired.  Then I started using meth – there is a longer story about that, but you can check out my other blog section for that…  One thing that I was promised was that I would lose weight – and BOY HOWDY did I lose weight…  It was a miracle!

I lost everything else too – but I was thin!!!  But I decided to take my life back and went to rehab – but in rehab I was eating again!  I hadn’t eaten in 7 years so everything stuck and I went up from about 200 lbs to 300 lbs in about 3 months.  When I got out of rehab my parents told me about Atkins – so I started the low carb thing.  My mom had always looked amazing, and my dad was never what I would call fat, but I remember him looking a little chunky too…  And then one day he walked in to visit me in rehab and his stomach was totally flat.  Like overnight!

So I cleared out every last carb and started my Atkins journey.  In 3 months I lost 80 lbs.  I was so happy!!!  It wasn’t hard because I lived alone and was never tempted…  But lo…  I am weak of spirit and constitution – I was so excited to move in with roommates!  I left my apartment and rented a couple of my friend’s basement and bam…  all of a sudden there were chips and sodas and pizza!!!  One of my roommates used to cook lemon bars like at least once a week…  Eventually I broke and then over the next 4 or 5 months gained every last lb back.  Then, my fat cells apparently wanted some more friends (they are so popular!) and I went up even further…

About 8 years ago I hit 330 lbs.  It’s been the benchmark I’ve used ever since – because usually when I gain, that is where I will stop.  Technically I have never been above 332 (that I’m aware of).  That is my all time high – but I have hit it several times.

So I started South Beach.  That lasted about 2 months…  It just didn’t work and I really hated the food.  I lost and gained about 10 lbs on that.  Then I read the Zone and Sugar Busters – my attempt was half hearted.

Then I went to Weight Watchers!  I stayed on that for about 4 months and lost about 30 lbs.  I was feeling pretty good, but I started getting sick of tracking and pointsing out everything.  I started “guessing” and that’s when I started falling back into old bad habits.

A few years ago someone told me about HCG and I was kind of excited!  It was going to be given to me by a doctor and would reset me at a new low metabolism!  I got it and started the shots and the diet and the weight just fell off me…  I lost 50 lbs…  But then I stalled – then my “round” was up and the weight started coming back.  I wasn’t going crazy, I was eating healthy and I was working out – but it just kept coming…

I should mention that for the most part, through all of this, I was working out.  I LIKE working out!  I know that is the downfall of many people – they won’t put in any exercise with their diet…  That has never really been my problem.  I enjoy it.  Sometimes I walk a lot, sometimes I will hit the elliptical for about 40 min a day.  Usually I would have a routine that would be cardio Tuesday and Thursday and weights on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  I learned a lot about working out and I would get looking better, but the weight would stay on…

I started to cycle back through all the diets – I would jump on Weight Watchers for a couple of months, then move to low carb, then move to HCG, then go back to low carb – I would lose between 10 and 15 lbs but never more…

Last year my darling husband Mikey ended up with a gallbladder issue and we found the only things that would NOT give him a full blown gallbladder attack was saltines and gummy bears.  He started losing weight – we started doing low fat together, mainly because anything else would bring pain.  But the weight started coming off both of us!  For a whole year we were eating low fat and I was down again about 50 lbs…

I then decided I really needed to quit smoking, so I did…  And the weight started coming back – I knew this would happen a bit, but I guess I was not at all prepared…  In 2 weeks I had gained 25 lbs.  I was so depressed!  Everything that I had worked for in the last year was coming back.  Half of it in 2 weeks…  4 weeks later I was back at 320…  I was doing great on the no smoking thing, but I was having trouble caring about it.  My heart was starting to hurt – I was having trouble sleeping again – I thought, “Wouldn’t this be ironic?  My decision to quit smoking is finally what kills me..”

So that brings us up to about now.  At the end of May 2012 my friend Annette had learned about “The Carb Nite.”  I kept saying, “God, I don’t want to do another fad diet…”  I am addicted to fads, and anything that makes the things that are hard in life sound easy.  As seen on TV?  Yes please!  I can clean my house while having fun?  I can slice tomatoes in seconds?  I can lose 200 lbs in 7 minutes?  I can build huge muscles with just 3 seconds a day?  These are the things I will always fall for…  But I keep trying not to!  So I was hesitant.  She lent me the book and I started reading – now this guy knows a lot – but here is the problem…  Every damn book says “And here’s why it works!” and then they use a lot of body chemistry and explain how things work and it all sounds great to me!  But in reality I have very little clue really if what they are saying is right.

What I liked was the Carb Nite guy was not a doctor, or a nutritionist, or anything like that.  He was a physicist.  He essentially was doing a low carb diet, and when he hit a plateau he got frustrated, ate a shitload of doughnuts and a few days later broke through and started losing weight again!

I had this same Spencerian but I guess I really didn’t know why…  The first time I did the low carb diet, I would average about 1 lb a day.  Then when I was down to about 250 I got stuck for like 2 weeks.  I got some cheesecake and ate it and gained 2 lbs.  But the next day the 2 lbs was gone.  The day after that, another 2 lbs were gone and my weight loss started moving again!  Every now and again I would eat something like that and my mom would yell at me!  “What are you doing!!?? That’s not on your diet!”  I told her it was my “stall breaker” (though I often wasn’t on a stall…).  She would roll her eyes and tell me I was being “bad.”  We would laugh about it, but when I started gaining weight I started feeling like “She was right – I really screwed up this time…”

But Mr. John Kiefer said the insulin spike is the key to keeping the fat burning going and ensure you aren’t burning muscle.  The REASON I gained so much more weight after some of my more successful fad diets was because I was focusing on “weight loss” and not “fat loss.”  At least, that is how he tells it…  Again, it makes total sense, but if another writer said, “And here is why he’s full of shit.  This carbon molecule reacts with the carbohydrate blah blah blah,” it would probably all sound really good to me too…

But nobody is saying that…  Most every diet I’ve tried has been called bullshit by Men’s Health (a rag I like to read and generally respect the opinions and reviews).  They have slaughtered all of them.  But then I found a small article written by them saying, “Really – if you want to lose weight, you need to be listening to John…”  Ok!  Well I will then!

And so starts my journey.  The promises here are – you will lose fat – quit focusing on weight…  Weight can be water, bones, fat, muscle, or about a million other things.  What you want gone is water and fat…

I’m going to be posting this journey here – but I’ll say this – if the posts just stop, most likely, so has my diet.  I’m going to be taking a picture every week – this is so I can see the changes.  Sometimes I can’t see the loss, and I don’t expect to just lose 50 lbs a month or anything, but I’m hoping that the changes are rapid enough to notice small differences month to month.

I WILL be making small alterations to my photos – I have taken start up pics for posting – first, I’m leaving out my legs.  I’m actually pretty happy with my legs anyway, but I am taking underwear pics and will be focusing on things above the waist for now…  I have SOME modesty!!!

I was going to blot out my face, but anyone reading this that knows me already knows what I look like, and anyone that doesn’t, doesn’t know me anyway and I doubt anyone will be like, “OMG!  It’s HIM!!!” if they see me on the street.  And if they do?  Why do I care?  Mainly I noticed I had a pimple on my belly and I don’t know why, but I was embarrassed, so I photoshoped it out.  Other than that, these will be untouched and not enhanced – this is just a journal of my progress.  The other thing is, quite often my face is where I show my weight loss best…  So here goes!

If you want to learn more about John and the stuff I’m doing, try looking at:

www.carbnite.com

Fingers crossed ya’ll!!!

0

Genesis of my Exodus

Posted by jeresk on February 26, 2012 in It's Everybody's Fault I'm A Drug Addict |

So how did this all start?  I wasn’t raised with bad parents; I didn’t grow up in a trailer (no offence to those who did…  Just sayin’…).  I grew up in a very middle class suburban neighborhood.  The crime rate was almost nothing, and of course, I’m in Utah.  In general, until you get into the nasty underbelly of the city, it’s a pretty “not much happens” place to live.  I was not a child of divorce, or parents with a low-education.  My dad had several degrees and was a life-long student, not quite sure what he wanted to be, but during this crazed time in my life, was the Network Engineer for the Salt Lake Library Systems.

 

My mom was always a teacher with a master’s degree and when I was in about the 6th grade, became the state president of the teachers union.  Once that was over, she ran for Congress in the second district.

 

Ok, I like to brag about by parents, but I also want to dispel questions that have come my way for years.  I don’t think that people that are raised in trailers become shit-head drug addicts – I guess I just wanted to push to the side the general assumptions about what lowly roots one must have come from to become a junkie.  I had no such roots.  I had a wonderful childhood!  My parents were very attentive, my dad helped me learn baseball when I joined little league.  My mom was a soccer mom, and made juice and cookies for the other kids on my team.  I always felt loved, I could not sleep unless they came in and read me a story and sang me a song.  I usually fell asleep while one of these activities were going on.  I had family all around me – so what happened?

 

From about first grade till last week, I have been teased about my weight.  I was a chunky little kid and my weight has gone up and down for my entire life.  People assume everyone starts drinking beer, then tries pot and then eventually bridges over to the harder stuff.  I on the other hand, being as impatient as I always am, had to jump right off the cliff into the big stuff…  But I kinda didn’t know it was the big stuff!

 

Around 15 or 16 I started working in fast food.  I worked at McDonalds for a short while, and then went to Burger King, mainly because when I stopped by there for lunch one day (I love fast food, but one month at McDonalds and I needed to eat something that didn’t smell like work), I found it generally empty.  I figured if they paid the same and I’d only have to work about half as hard, life would be better…  I found that there was this awesome shift called “closer.”  It meant you got to clean the whole restaurant after it was closed and get it set up for the next day.  You wouldn’t know it by looking at my house, but I really do actually enjoy cleaning things until they look like new again.  I like things to be orderly and in their correct place.  The problem is, I generally lack the motivation.  I also like having millions of dollars in the bank, but I lack that motivation to do more than save about $1000 at a time, and that generally disappears when there is a sale at Kohl’s.

 

My motivation here was that when it was done I got to go home.  But until then, we got to have the whole empty store to ourselves, and we’d turn the music up and talk and laugh and I loved it!  I had a few friends in school, but I never felt exactly popular…  But here, everyone thought I was cool – or at least it felt that way.  We’d finally have everything done about midnight and then my work friends would decide to go out to Denny’s and drink coffee and continue talking and joking for another hour or so.  They would always ask me to come and I always went.  I loved being up until all hours of the night!  Problem was, I would end up getting home about 3 and need to be up by 6.  I was still in school, and doing just enough to get the credits I needed to graduate.

 

The friends I worked with had not finished high school and they were doing great!  Meredith the manager pulled down over $1000 a month and she didn’t finish school!  I felt like that was all I’d need in life.  I’d be very happy working in fast food as a manager making enough to pay for a small apartment and a cheap used car.  Who needs school?  The one thing that I consistently got at school was the wonderful opportunity to feel bad about myself day after day.  But I didn’t dare tell my mom the educator of educators that I didn’t want to finish.  I felt like I could at least finish high school for her but her plans of me going to college were definitely not going to happen.  But how to operate off of 3 hours of sleep a night?  Well first, there were plenty of classes to sleep through.  Mr. Barney didn’t care if you slept.  He always said, “It’s your education, I can’t care about it for you…” So there was at least an hour I could get in each day.  But I still needed at least another 3 hours!  I would often “catch-up” on my days off, but it still wasn’t enough.  Finally I found the answer!  At the Metro Mart down the street from my house they had Mini Thins (sometimes called cross tops).  They were like $3 for a bottle of 6 million, cheap and plentiful.  Someone told me it was like super coffee in a pill.  It was!

 

I started taking a few a day as I’d get sleepy during class – I’d still allow myself to nod off in Mr. Barney’s science class, but the rest of the time I’d stay up with my mini-lovelies.  After a month or so, they weren’t working so well though.  I had to jump up the dose.  Every few weeks I was taking more and more.  One of the other girls at work that was also using them took 20 at one time and got so over-wired she accidently slammed her hand in the drive-thru window and ended up throwing up everywhere and had to go home.  It hit me…  Maybe I shouldn’t be taking these!  I told Meredith that I didn’t think I liked them anymore and I might not be able to close any longer.  She said, “Well… I have kind of a super-mini-thin if you want to try it!”  I was for sure interested!

 

After work we went over to her house and she took out a small bag of powder.  My eyes widened and I got really nervous.  “Oh!  Ummmm, Sorry I don’t do cocaine…” I smoked, but that was the only thing I’d really done much of (other than the mini-thins) and I was not about to start doing drugs.  I had seen a movie with Scott Baio and saw what happened when he got addicted to pot!  I knew this was like 100 times worse!

 

“HA!  It’s not cocaine!  What do I look like?  A drug addict?”  It’s true – she looked nothing like any of the drug addicts, or dealers I’d seen on all the after-school specials.  She didn’t have a chain in her nose, or the liberty spiked Mohawk, or anything like that.  “…this is called ‘crank.’  I met some guy that makes it in his bathtub.  I guess it was kind of a big deal in the 60’s but died out.  But here’s the awesome thing!  It’s like Mini-Thins but without the side effects – it works a lot longer!  You can stay up for days and never be tired!  It also makes you not want to eat and speeds up your metabolism.  You’ll drop so much weight, just like that!” she said with a snap of her fingers.

 

“You don’t snort it do you…” I was still hesitant.  I’d never heard of “crank,” but I knew powder you snorted up your nose was cocaine and I had heard you could become addicted using it only one time.

 

“No!  I mean…  I guess you can, but I just eat it.”   She poured a little into the palm of her hand, and opened a 7-Up.  She licked her hand and then drank a huge swig of the soda.  Her face wrinkled up and she stuck out her tongue.  “YECH!!!!  It tastes awful, but it works!”  Ok, this wasn’t cocaine…  This was just something some guy made at his house…  It wasn’t being imported by drug cartels or anything – it must be ok.

 

She poured a little mound of powder in my hand and I copied exactly what she did.  When it hit my tongue I thought, “I’ve tasted this before…”  It tasted like mini-thins.  I was a little let down, as I thought maybe she as just kidding me, and it was just the same thing.  However, I didn’t feel anything after 15 min like I normally do with mini-thins.  I normally would get a little stomach turn and start to get really jumpy.  I didn’t feel like that – I just felt like I had a story in me that I really had to get out.  We sat down and started talking.  I’d never talked so fast or so much!  My conversation was all disjointed jumping from one subject to another without any kind of conversational conjunction to link the two, but it all seemed to flow with sense.  She was telling me stories too, and it felt like we were talking at the same time, but I was still absorbing everything she said.  Some people that know me would say, “And this is different from you how…”  I don’t really know, but it was different.  Our stories had nothing to do with one another, but weaved into an amazing tapestry of drug-induced chat that I swear I could have actually wrapped myself up into and stayed warm forever.

 

I asked her how much this awesome stuff cost!  She said her friend was giving her tons of it to pass around and try and find people who wanted to buy it – and if I helped her find more people, we could just have as many “samples” as I wanted!  I really didn’t want to find anyone else – not out of decency but out of laziness…  But agreed and there started several months of free meth, and the beginning of my addiction.

 

A few months later I actually learned more about Meth as they started to talk about it in school – I had never heard then talk about it before, but it was just a little late.  And the damage that really happened was I started thinking, “Wow!  So this is the life of drugs.  It’s not nearly what they made it seem like in all the warning movies.  It wasn’t like what they said it would be in school once they actually started talking about it.”  I realized that they were lying.  There was a wonderful secret of drugs – they were fun and not harmful like we’d been taught!  They were trying to scare us from actually having fun.  Months later I tried pot.  I didn’t want to walk on the edge of a building like Scott Baio had…  And it didn’t make me never want to get out of bed again.  A few days later I got some acid with my friend Ethan and we both had our first “trip” together.  He fell asleep, and the walls waved and music would bend in my ear canal, but no smurf’s danced across my field of vision.  I didn’t think I could fly.  I never actually saw anything that wasn’t there, just everything seemed more liquid and electric than normal.  The more I tried new things the more I found I had been totally lied to.  Years later, I really did feel like if they had been more honest in school maybe I wouldn’t have set out to challenge it anymore.  This whole situation must be their fault.  Even though Meredith knew about as much about this as I did, she gave it to me, so it must be her fault.  I found out my dad smoked pot a couple of times in the Army – he knew this secret and kept it from me – it was also his fault.  Again, it was everybody’s fault…  Everybody but mine.

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